If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
