Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
