i would punch a child for taco bell
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
