this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
