perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
