I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
