I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
