We won't sleep together?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
