If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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