Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
