Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
