I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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