How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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