I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
