I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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