I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
