Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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