I love black thongs
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
