I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
