its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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