i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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