Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
