I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize