Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
