Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
