There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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