found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
