3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
