i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
