I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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