I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
