i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
