As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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