I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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