I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
