i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
