Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
