I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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