the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We are all done wearing pants today
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Damn victory sex feels great
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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