I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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