When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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