Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
