I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
