If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
