im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
