Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
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