my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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