I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
