remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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