it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
