I look better un-naked...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
