A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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