just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
